Toddler Aggression: When to Worry & How to Respond
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In this article, you’ll learn how to respond to toddler aggression in 6 steps, common parenting mistakes, and when to worry about aggressive behavior.
Seeing toddler aggression - physical behaviors like hitting, kicking, pushing, biting, pinching - may spark concern. As a parent or caregiver, you’re probably wondering how to deal with this behavior without escalating any conflict. You may also have worries, like:
Does my child lack empathy or kindness?
Is my child a bully?
Do other kids avoid playing with my child?
Will my child get removed from school?
We're loving, peaceful parents. How did we create an aggressive child?
Will other parents judge me because of my child’s behavior?
If you've had any of these questions about your toddler's aggressive behavior, including during a temper tantrum, we're here to provide some answers.
In this article, you’ll learn:
You’ll also learn about the author, Claire Lerner, MSW, and get additional resources about toddler aggression.
Tips for Understanding Toddler Aggression
Toddler aggression is challenging. You’re not a bad parent if your child behaves aggressively, or if you find your child’s aggressive behavior difficult to deal with. Here is an important tip for reframing your perspective, and understanding toddler aggression:
Remember that young children typically aren't being aggressive on purpose.
In the toddler years, children haven't yet developed the self-control to stop themselves from acting on their impulses. Not all children act out with their bodies, but some do. If your child is aggressive, it doesn't necessarily mean they're making a conscious choice to be harmful.
4 Factors that May Contribute to Toddler Aggression
There are a few important factors to keep in mind that make it more likely that a child will act with aggression:
Temperament: Excitable, physical, and/or highly active children are more likely to struggle with impulse control.
Sensory system: Highly sensitive children who are uncomfortable with people physically close may bite to keep others away. Some children are “sensory seekers." They crave sensory input. They may love the feeling of moving into things with great force, including people. Their sensory needs are stronger than their logic, so telling them to stop hitting or biting won't help them make a better decision.
Life Experiences: Major life changes or big experiences can lead to an increase in aggressive behavior. When children experience a stressful event, such as separation, loss, or witnessing a traumatic event, they may struggle to cope with the big feelings. When this happens, they're less able to calm themselves and self-regulate.
Age and Development: Young children’s brains are still in the early stages of development. Toddlers are likely to be driven by the "fight, flight, or freeze" part of the brain when experiencing stress. As they grow, the part of the brain that helps us process feelings and experiences (the prefrontal cortex) gets stronger. In the early years, they're still learning how to deal with big emotions.
Next up, you’ll learn six steps for how to deal with an aggressive child.
How to Respond to Toddler Aggression in 6 Steps
When you're responding to an aggressive toddler, try to focus on teaching, not punishing. Here's a 6-step plan for how to deal with an aggressive child:
1. Stop the aggressive behavior while calmly and matter-of-factly stating the limit.
Start by calmly stating the limit. You might say something like, “We don’t [hit/bite/pinch]. People have feelings and I know you don't mean to be hurtful. I am going to help your body get back in control and help you be safe.”
Then, stop the aggressive behavior. This might be:
Holding your child in a bear hug.
Placing them in a safe space. (More details on this below)
Putting your child in a stroller if you're outside the house. Strollers are helpful because they ensure you can maintain control, secure your child, and keep everyone safe.
Getting your child to their car seat (carrying them, if they're having a meltdown) to go home.
Do your best to implement this calmly to help lower the intensity level. As you are securing your child, in a quiet voice you might repeat a mantra, such as: “You are having a hard time. I know you don’t mean to be hurtful. Your mind and body are just out of control. I will keep you safe.”
As noted above, avoid using shaming language such as "violent" or "mean." Stick to objectively describing your child's actions.
2. Offer an acceptable way for your child to get the physical need met.
If your child behaves aggressively to meet a sensory need, talking won't help your child overcome their impulses and use their thinking brain. Instead, your child needs an acceptable alternative: “If you need to hit, here’s an object that doesn’t have feelings that you can hit.”
It can be helpful to create a bin of objects that your child can safely squeeze, hit, kick, bite, or throw. This may include squishy balls, larger foam balls, Chewlery necklaces to bite, Play-Doh or slime, and weighted balls. Some kids also find it soothing to bury themselves in the couch cushions!
3. Move on.
If your child is out-of-control but isn’t being destructive and doesn’t need to be physically contained, move on.
You might say something like, “when you’re done being upset, we can try again.”
Your goal is to show that you’re not angry, and that you’re still loving and connected even when your toddler behaves aggressively. As a parent, you’ve done your job: you set a limit and stopped (or prevented) the harmful behavior. You’re teaching, not punishing.
If you get angry, you are more likely to intensify the interaction. This makes it less likely that your child will calm down and be able to learn from the experience.
4. Create a Safe Space for Your Child
If your child is being destructive and out-of-control, put them in a safe, loving space. This space does need boundaries; this means that your child can't leave on their own.
Why is this important? It prevents the unpleasant back-and-forth that can occur when toddlers come out of a safe space before they are calm.
Involve your child in designing this space, if possible. Let them choose acceptable items, like stuffed animals, squishy/stress balls, cozy pillows, and books. Putting a kids’ tent in the space can be very effective, as it feels snuggly and comforting to children, especially when they are unraveling.
Parents sometimes feel uncomfortable with the idea of securing a child in space. You might feel that it’s rejecting your child, or just mean. Or, you may have heard that time-outs are destructive, and that time-ins (when you stay with your child no matter what) are loving. Indeed, if you are able to remain calm and your presence is soothing to your child, then time-ins are best. But if you are unable to control your child’s aggression toward you, giving you both a break can be the more loving option. For some children, having a parent in the room with them during the break is a stimulant that makes it harder to calm down.
Separations aren't automatically harmful to young children. What matters is how it's executed. When the break is framed and approached with sensitivity and loving support, it's caring, not callous.
I’ve spent hundreds of hours observing children during epic meltdowns. The tense, aggressive, physical and/or emotional interactions that happen when toddlers are out-of-control is more harmful than providing your child space in a safe and loving way.
Lastly, when you give your child some space, you also give yourself some space.
5. Help Your Child Take a Break
When you determine that your child needs a break, introduce it calmly and sensitively. Even if your toddler is kicking, hitting, spitting, clawing or biting, stay calm and keep language to a minimum. Remember, kids can’t process more input when they are in the “red zone.”
You might whisper, “You’re really upset and are having a hard time controlling your body. I am going to be a helper and take you to your safe space to take a break.”
Let your child know that you are eager to help them problem-solve and get back to playing when they’ve calmed down.
Be sure to have appropriate expectations for what the break will accomplish. The goal of the break is simple: to provide a quiet, safe space where your child can go from being very upset to being calm.
Young children don’t yet have the ability to reflect on their actions and behavior on their own without help from a caring adult. The goal of taking a break isn’t self-reflection. Your toddler won’t be able to say, “Gee, I wonder why I let my emotions get the best of me. I really shouldn’t have thrown that train at Henry’s head.” This is beyond toddlers and even preschoolers - not to mention many adults!
This is really important because no learning takes place when children are in an agitated, emotionally flooded state.
6. Problem-solve once your child is calm.
Problem-solving can happen only once your toddler is calm. A toddler’s brain can’t process any information when their mind and body are out of control. Afterward, start collaboratively problem-solving by:
Commenting on what a great job they did calming down, no matter how long it took.
Tell the story of what happened. Here’s an example: “You were really mad when Mommy wouldn’t let you have TV time this morning before school. You lost control and threw the remote at me. You didn’t mean to hurt me—when you are upset your body takes over. I am going to help you learn to control your body—that’s my job. What are some ideas you have?”
Listen to your child’s ideas and share yours.
Include in this discussion the creation of the safe space and have them help you create it, so they experience that this is not punishment. It is a tool for helping them get back in control.
Those are a few steps for how to deal with an aggressive child. If you have additional questions, you can always get in touch.
Common Mistakes Parents Make When Dealing with an Aggressive Toddler
Let's talk about how not to deal with an aggressive toddler. Parents typically respond to aggression from a child in one of three ways:
Shame: “What's wrong with you? Why would you want to hurt your friend?”
Threats and punishment: “No TV time for the rest of the week if you hit again!”
Fear: “No one will want to play with you if you hurt them.”
Unfortunately, these seemingly logical responses usually backfire.
In early childhood, your little ones are still learning how to manage their emotions and behavior. When they feel ashamed, they tend to shut down. Their little brains get flooded with negative emotions. In this "red zone," they're out of control, and they can't understand lessons you're trying to teach.
During the first five years, children are also developing their sense of self. This is deeply affected by what they understand from those around them - including shaming and name-calling. They internalize it when they hear that something is wrong with them, or that they're aggressive, violent, or mean. These messages become part of their personal narrative, which then guides behavior. It's the old "self-fulfilling prophecy" at work.
When to Worry about Toddler Aggression
Aggressive behavior is expected to some degree in early childhood given the lack of impulse control in children, especially under age five.
As child mental health professionals, we pay attention to the intensity and frequency of aggressive behaviors. We’ll consider:
Is your toddler’s aggression interfering with your child’s ability to learn, explore, and engage?
Is it impacting their functioning in a healthy way at home?
Is it impacting your child’s life at childcare or preschool?
If the answer to these questions is “yes,” it’s time to consider seeking professional help.
A Note about Aggressive Temper Tantrums
If your family is navigating aggression during temper tantrums, know that you’re not alone. We do want to pay attention to aggressive temper tantrums, as they may signal an underlying mental health concern.
We sometimes refer to these aggressive and/or frequent tantrums that don’t lessen over time a “mental health fever.” Like a fever that signals physical illness, these “mental health fevers” may tell us that the child is experiencing an emotional or behavioral challenge. In other words, aggressive tantrums are a sign that something is the matter, but they don’t tell us what.
If your child’s tantrums meet the following criteria, it’s likely time to seek additional support:
Tantrums happen nearly every day.
The tantrums start to become aggressive — when a child hits, kicks, bites others or themselves and/or breaks things during the tantrum.
Tantrums continue frequently past the peak age (2-3 years old).
Temper tantrums happen in a variety of settings both in and out of the home.
These temper tantrums occur with parents or caregivers AND other adults.
Little Otter is available in select states, and can help you deal with toddler aggression.
Start with an assessment, and then connect with your care team. You’ll also gain the tools and support to manage these challenging moments.
Meet Claire Lerner, MSW
CLAIRE LERNER, MSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. She served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for more than twenty years. Claire has also been a practicing clinician for 35 years, partnering with parents to decode their children’s behavior and solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. Claire also provides training to local preschools and pediatric residents.
Claire is the author of hundreds of parenting resources, including books, blogs, podcasts, and videos. She writes a column for PBS Kids, and her work has been published by several parenting publications. She has also served as a content expert for numerous national daily newspapers.
Claire is the mother of two very spirited children of her own, Sam (30) and Jess (28), and mom to two stepchildren, Justin (30) and Sammy (27). She lives in Washington, DC with her husband and two, also spirited, pups.
Learn more about Claire’s latest book:
Why Is My Child in Charge?: A Roadmap to End Power Struggles, Increase Cooperation, and Find Joy in Parenting Young Children (Rowman & Littlefield. Hardcover) ISBN: 978-1-5381-4900-3.
Through stories from my practice, I show how making critical mindshifts—seeing their children’s behaviors through a new lens—empowers parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. Unlike many parenting books that offer a one-size-fits-all approach that often leave parents feeling frustrated and defeated when those prescriptions don't work, the real-life stories in my book provide a roadmap for how parents can tune into the root causes of their children’s behavior and how to create and implement strategies that are tailored to the unique needs of their child and family. Read more about and order the book:
Additional Resources
