I’m Worried My Son is Considering Self-Harming. What Can I Do?
This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with issues related to self-harm and suicide. Please take care when reading.
We recently received a question from a parent worried that their son was considering self-harming. Here’s the question, and the answer from our team of child mental health professionals:
“My 11-year-old son was caught Googling ways to commit self-harm. What can I do to respond?”
- A., Oregon
Thank you for contacting Little Otter. We know how upsetting and stressful it can be to see your child searching ways to harm themselves.
While we know it might be hard to believe in moments of stress, it is a strength of your relationship with your child that you are seeking support on their behalf.
Given the information you found, we do recommend that you seek out mental health support for your son.
Seeking a mental health evaluation will allow you and your son to meet with a professional and think through various forms of support together.
Children often seek to engage in self-harming behaviors because it is a way they can cope with negative emotions (i.e., anger, disappointment, shame, sadness, etc.) or get their needs met. Often, children engage in these behaviors because it provides a release from the intensity of the emotion they’re experiencing.
If you are located in CA, CO, DC, FL, IL, NC, NY, PA, TX, UT, or VA, Little Otter is always available for evaluation and treatment support! If not, your pediatrician is an excellent resource to connect you with local mental health professionals in your community.
Here are a few tips other families in similar positions have found helpful:
1. Have a conversation with your son.
In a moment when you both are feeling calm, and if you feel comfortable, we encourage you to talk with your son and take what he is saying seriously. We invite you to talk with your son about any changes you've noticed in his behavior and express your job as his caregiver to keep him safe.
You can reflect back to him: “I've noticed some changes in how you've been acting, and as your caregiver, it's my job to keep you safe. Tell me what's going on for you.” If your child responds verbally, listen for the feeling they describe. If your child does not want to talk, that is also perfectly okay. Let your child know that you are there to listen when they do.
Validating your son's feelings will be incredibly important (i.e., "I remember how hard it was to be a teenager").
2. Trust your parental instincts.
We invite you to listen to your parenting instincts on whether you share with your son the information you found. It is important to remember that asking someone about suicide or self-harm will not make them suicidal or lead them to engage in self-harming behaviors.
As such, we want you to know the following resources are always available and we encourage you to share them with your son, when it feels appropriate:
Call 988 (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline)
Text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line)
3. Focus on the feelings.
Focus on the feeling underneath the behavior, not as much on the behavior itself. As adults, we often forget how hard it is to be a teenager, and that underneath every big behavior is a big feeling.
4. Problem-solve together!
Since your parent spidey-sense is already telling you he's having a hard time processing his feelings, let him know that you’re there to figure it out with him.
5. Remember your son is a good kid, even on hard days.
Remind yourself and your son that he is a good kid even when he has hard days. Our behaviors don’t define us.
Additional Resources
Free Temper Tantrum Assessment: Learn When to Worry about Your Child’s Temper Tantrums
A Complete Guide to Temper Tantrums [Detailed Guide]
All About Toddler Aggression: When to Worry and How to Respond [Blog]
Are My Kid’s Tantrums Abnormal? [New York Times]
Dr. Helen Egger, Little Otter’s Co-Founder, spoke with the New York Times about how to tell if your child’s tantrums are abnormal, and shared her research about whether aggressive tantrums indicate a mental health concern.
The article explains that, “if your child has severe tantrums nearly every day, and those tantrums include kicking, hitting, biting or breaking things, he or she is eight times more likely to have a disorder, according to Dr. Egger’s research.”
All about ADHD [Detailed Guide]
Are Our Son’s Angry Outbursts Related to ADHD or A Behavioral Challenge? [Blog]
Do you have a question you’d like to ask a child psychologist?
Submit your questions here. Remember, you can choose to remain anonymous if you’d prefer.
