My Daughter Tends to Respond Defensively. Any Tips for Better Communication With Her?

This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. Please take care when reading.

One parent wrote in seeking better ways to communicate with their daughter. Below is the question, and a response from one of our child mental health experts:

“My daughter gets very defensive when I ask her to do something. She has said in the past that, when I ask or remind her, she feels really guilty that she hasn’t already done it. How do I ask her about or remind her of tasks without making her feel bad? How do I support her in not getting so quick to anger?”

- C., New York

Thank you for reaching out.

It is wonderful that your daughter has some insight into what bothers her. What she describes sounds very accurate: many people get upset when they feel shame or guilt.

In a sense, what your daughter is telling you is that she is even harder on herself than you are on her. You say: “Can you load the dishwasher please?” and she probably hears: “A good daughter/person would have loaded the dishwasher without being asked”; you say “OK, it’s the second time that I’m telling you to set the table” and she probably hears: “I am very disappointed that you failed at doing what I asked. You are a disappointment.”

I suggest complimenting your daughter on her insight and asking her to help you come up with a system of accountability that does not provoke her shame response (some people use task charts on the refrigerator: ways to decrease verbal commands/requests and highlight what everyone is charged to do).

You did not say how old she is. If she is a teenager: it is impossible for some of them to do perfectly what they are asked to do. For instance, they typically interpret being asked to do something as being asked to do it when they have time--which could be several hours later.

I would suggest being clear: “I need you to help me with dinner and set the table in the next 10 minutes please.”

If you would like more suggestions/resources, please know that Little Otter is here to help and don’t hesitate to get in touch.

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