How to Talk to Your Child About Sex, Bodies, and Consent, Without the Shame

Kids are naturally curious. From the moment they can talk, they start asking big questions about the world around them, including questions about their bodies and how everything works. 

If we avoid conversations about bodies and eventually questions about sex, that curiosity doesn’t go away, it just gets redirected. Kids will look for answers elsewhere, turning to ChatGPT, TikTok, porn, or friends to fill in the gaps. Unfortunately, information may not be accurate, and may not align with your family values, especially when it comes to healthy relationships, emotional experiences, consent, and boundaries.

When kids feel that their questions or curiosities are being shut down, they internalize the message that their questions are bad or wrong, or that their caregivers can’t tolerate discussing uncomfortable topics. That makes it harder for them to come to you later if they’re confused, hurt, or needing support. 

On the flip side, if you foster these conversations from an early age, kids see you as a safe, trustworthy adult. In the long run, this makes them more likely to ask questions, share concerns, and speak up if something confusing or harmful happens. 

When to Start the Conversation (Hint: It’s Earlier Than You Think) 

Many parents wonder when to start talking to kids about bodies and consent, and the answer might surprise you. While it may feel early, the best time to begin these conversations is during early childhood, starting around age 3. At this stage, kids are naturally curious, making it the perfect window to introduce age-appropriate education focused on body autonomy, safety, and privacy.

What to Say at Every Age About Bodies and Sex

This is the top question I’m asked as a child therapist: “What do I actually say to my kiddo?” 

Ages 3–7: Laying the Foundation

Everyday routines offer great opportunities for honest, low-pressure conversations. Use moments like potty training, bath time, getting dressed, or watching a show together as natural entry points to talk about private parts, boundaries, and the difference between okay and not okay touch. 

For example, using anatomically correct language and explaining that certain body parts are private lays the foundation for early childhood consent conversations and helps your child feel confident and safe in their body. 

• Teaching anatomical names for body parts. 
• Introducing the concept of consent through play and physical boundaries. Asking for hugs, high fives, etc. and respecting the answers (even if kiddo is saying no to hugging grandma!).
• Modeling respect for “no” and personal space. 

Ages 8–12: Building Trust and Confidence

Parents should be answering questions honestly, even when it’s awkward. Kiddos typically ask questions that they are ready for the answers to – answer what they've asked, not going into more detail than needed. They'll ask for more details when they are ready. Some of the most common things to talk about at this age include: 

• Puberty, emotional changes, media influence, and peer pressure 
• Introducing ideas of mutual respect and healthy relationships
• When kids find sexually explicit content (pornography) either from friends or on their own, encourage them to talk to a trusted adult about it 

Ages 13–18: Deepening the Conversation

• Discussing sex, gender identity, sexual orientation, and consent
• Discussing laws around sex and consent, consequences for engaging in sexual behavior, sexual health (STI's, pregnancy, etc.)
• Navigating peer pressure, explicit content like porn, social media, and real-life situations
• How to encourage openness while respecting privacy

What Is Consent, Really? How to Explain It to Kids of All Ages

Consent isn’t just about sex, it’s about respecting boundaries in all relationships. The key to teaching consent throughout their lives is meeting your child where they are developmentally.

Ages 3-7: Their Body Is Theirs 

In early childhood, consent starts with the body. At this age, it can be as simple as learning to ask before hugging or tickling someone. Kids should learn that “no” is a complete sentence. 

For example, if Grandma wants a hug, and your kiddo doesn’t want to give Grandma a hug, that’s their boundary. In this moment, thank them for sharing that with you, so they know you’ve heard them and fully respect that decision. Follow up with the idea to pivot to a fist bump or a wave instead, so they’re not ignoring Grandma entirely, but they don’t feel any pressure to hug her.

These moments teach kids that their boundaries matter, and that it’s okay to say no, even to adults they love.

Download Little Otter’s My Body Safety Rules below. This worksheet is designed to empower young kiddos to understand that their bodies are their own and that they have the right to say "no" to anything that makes them uncomfortable. This includes teaching them about safe and unsafe people, safe and unsafe touches, and how to seek help from trusted adults. 

!CTA-4

Ages 8–12: Respect Goes Both Ways

As tweens, kids start navigating more complex social dynamics: friendships, peer pressure, and crushes. This is the time to build on their foundational understanding of consent by emphasizing mutual respect and emotional safety. 

As a parent, you can help them recognize that consent applies beyond physical touch: it matters when sharing personal space or time. For example, if a friend is sharing something private and asks them not to tell anyone, talk with your child about what it means to honor that request, and also when it’s okay to break that agreement, like if someone’s safety is at risk. 

At this age, it’s also important to encourage them to check in with others and listen for comfort cues so they know that boundaries don’t just apply to them. 

Ages 13–18: Mutual, Ongoing, and Free to Change

By the time kids are teenagers, consent becomes even more critical. They need support in recognizing subtle cues, navigating peer pressure, and understanding that true consent can only happen when both people feel empowered to say “no.”

Teens need clear, nonjudgmental conversations about what enthusiastic, ongoing consent looks like in romantic or sexual relationships. It’s not a one-time “yes,” it’s an ongoing dialogue where both people feel safe, respected, and free to change their mind at any time. 

If your teen is watching a movie with someone and wants to hold their hand or cuddle, talk with them about how to check in first instead of assuming it’s welcome. Or if they’re in a relationship and one person changes their mind about being physically intimate, even if they’ve been physically intimate before, emphasize that stopping is always okay. These real-life situations help teens understand that consent isn’t just about the moment, it’s about ongoing mutual agreement and emotional safety.

By introducing these concepts gradually, and reinforcing them with real-life examples and open conversations, you’re helping your child build a lifelong foundation of respect and safety. The goal is to normalize asking for and giving consent in everyday situations so it becomes second nature by the time they’re navigating more intimate relationships.

Common Mistakes to Avoid When Talking About Bodies, Sex, and Consent

Even when we have the best intentions, it’s easy to fall into some habits that accidentally shut the conversation down. If any of these sound familiar, you're not alone:

• Letting kids figure it out on their own. It might feel easier to wait until they ask or assume they’ll learn on their own, but the truth is, kids will find answers to their questions one way or another, even if it’s using TikTok or Google. Kids need guidance from the adults they trust most, especially when it comes to sensitive topics like sex and consent.
• Using fear or shame. Saying things like “you better not ever…” or shutting down a question because it makes you uncomfortable might send the message that sex is something to feel bad or guilty about.
• Only bringing it up when something goes wrong. If the first time you talk about their body or sex is after you find out your kid saw porn or sent a risky text, it frames the whole topic as a problem, not something normal and healthy to learn about.
• Treating it like a one-and-done talk. The idea of “The Talk” puts a lot of pressure on one moment. These conversations should happen in small, age-appropriate ways throughout their entire childhood. 
• Handing over the internet without context or supervision. Giving kids full, unsupervised access to phones, YouTube, or social media without helping them understand what they might come across is like dropping them into the deep end without swimming lessons. 
• Allowing awkwardness to take over. It’s totally normal to feel a little uncomfortable, but if you avoid the topic or act embarrassed, your child may take that as a sign that these conversations are off-limits. Instead of aiming for perfection, aim for presence and embrace the fact that yes, this is awkward and uncomfortable and it’s part of all parents' experiences. 

How to Handle Your Own Discomfort Talking About Sex 

Many parents weren’t raised with open conversations about sex or consent. It’s completely normal to feel unsure or awkward, but the way you manage that discomfort matters.

• Reflect on your own upbringing and what you learned. What messages did you receive about sex, bodies, and consent? What do you want to keep, or change, for your child?
• Try simple language swaps. Instead of, “That’s inappropriate,” try: “That’s a great question. Let’s talk about it together!” Instead of, “You don’t need to worry about that,” try: “It’s okay to be curious. Let’s figure it out together.”
• Practice staying curious yourself. You don’t need to have all the answers, you just need to be present and open. If you don’t know how to respond or what the answer is, take a moment and say, “You know, let’s look into that together because I’m not sure!” 
• Celebrate their questions. Thank them for coming to you and asking these questions! If these conversations stay positive, they’ll be more likely to seek out your support in the future. 

Resources to Support Parents When Talking About Sex, Bodies, and Consent with Kids

There’s no need to start from scratch. Here are some trusted, therapist-approved resources to help guide your conversations:

Ages 3-7

It's Not the Stork!: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends helps answer these endless and perfectly normal questions that preschool, kindergarten, and early elementary school children ask about how they began. 

My Body! What I Say Goes! is a children's picture book used to empower and teach children about personal body safety, feelings, safe and unsafe touch, private parts, secrets and surprises, consent and respect.

Consent For Kids is a smart, playful video explanation to consent and bodily autonomy.

Ages 8-12

It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families answers the big questions: How does a baby begin and how is it born? How did I begin? Why are some parts of kids’ bodies different from some parts of other kids’ bodies? Most younger kids have questions about reproduction, babies, love, sex, and gender, too.

You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, and Other Things is a bold and inclusive graphic novel that redefines sex ed for today’s world, covering everything from puberty and pleasure to power, identity, and how to treat others with respect.

Ages 13-18

It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, Gender, and Sexual Health has inclusive guide to sex, puberty, and relationships that gives kids and teens the accurate, age-appropriate information they need to understand their bodies, identities, and how to stay safe, both offline and online.

Consent for Kids Ages is a clever, memorable video that uses the metaphor of offering someone a cup of tea to explain consent.

These tools can take the pressure off and help you lead with confidence, even when the questions feel big.

It’s okay to fumble. It’s okay to say, “I need to think about how to answer that,” or “Let’s learn about it together.” Kids don’t need you to have all the answers. What they need is a caring adult who shows up, stays open, and keeps the conversation going.

Because when we meet their curiosity with empathy, not shame, we’re giving them more than just answers. We’re giving them the foundation to grow into informed, confident, and safe adults.

‍