How Can I Help My Child Process Loss?
This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with worries related to infant death, loss of grandparents, and grieving. Please take care when reading.
One parent recently asked us about how children process loss and grieve. Here is their question, and an answer from our team of child mental health experts.
“Can you help me understand how a child processes grief? My 5-year-old son's baby sister died one day after he saw her born at home, then two months later his grandmother died. I’m concerned with how to help him understand and process these losses. Any advice?”
- L., Florida
Thank you for contacting Little Otter.
Five year old children are just beginning to develop an understanding of what death is, and they need help with it from a concrete and emotional standpoint.
In the situation you're describing, this child has also experienced a traumatic loss in his immediate family, so he's faced with trying to grasp the concept of death (as irreversible and permanent) while also coping with the intense feelings that both he and those around him are likely experiencing.
Some points that you may find helpful:
Children this age often engage in magical and egocentric thinking. Meaning, in the absence adequate information regarding what happened, he may construct a story on his own including the idea that he's somehow to blame.
It's important to explain what happened clearly, with words he can understand, and without including frightening details. For example, “When someone dies their body stops working. That's what happened to your sister.”
Assure him that he is not to blame, that he is safe and that there is nothing wrong with his body or his family members' bodies.
Let him know that it's okay to feel any kind of feeling that comes up (anger, sadness, fear), and that his grown ups are going to support him.
When provided with accurate, assuring information, and loving support from those around them, children can grieve and integrate loss just as adults do.
So when is it time to worry about grief in children?
If he seems withdrawn or shows signs of anxiety that feels concerning, consider seeking support from a counselor to ensure that he receives the support needed to heal.
For additional support, Little Otter is available in select states for evaluation and treatment support.
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