How to Stop a Temper Tantrum: 5 Tips from Child Mental Health Experts
When your little one’s big feelings bubble up into a tantrum, it can become overwhelming for you as a parent or a caregiver. In those moments, chances are you’re hoping for anything to help them calm down and stop the meltdown.
Today, you’ll learn 5 tips for how to stop a temper tantrum from child mental health experts.
But first, it’s important to remember that it’s impossible to stop or avoid every tantrum.
Tantrums don’t make you a bad parent. They’re a natural, expected, and even important part of growing up. In these early years, children are still developing the skills they need to manage their emotions and impulses. Learn more about temper tantrums and your child’s mental health.
Tantrums happen - and that’s more than okay. Many parents will do everything in their power to avoid an imminent meltdown, and keep their child happy. This unfortunately can evolve into a situation where the child seems to hold the family captive with demands for control over everything. Accepting that tantrums are a part of your family’s life - at least for a while - can help make them easier to deal with when they happen.
Tantrums occur when your child becomes overwhelmed by an emotion. During a temper tantrum, your child loses control. As they grow and these skills strengthen, tantrums typically become less frequent and less severe.
This doesn’t feel good for them - and it’s no fun for you, either. Try your best to have empathy for their overwhelm, as difficult and frustrating as it may be for you. Cultivating empathy in these moments will help you stay calm and grounded as you try to help your child calm down, too. As a parent, how you respond to tantrums can help your child learn to adapt to life’s limits, frustrations, and disappointments, empowering them to be resilient and adaptable in adulthood.
So with that in mind, let’s take a look at a few ways to stop a temper tantrum.
1. Validate their feelings.
When your child is in the middle of a meltdown, it’s tempting to try to reason with them and ask them to “use their words.” Unfortunately, this rarely helps. During these emotional storms, your child simply can’t communicate their feelings. So instead of asking your little one to tell you what’s bothering them, start by validating their feelings.
You might say something like, “You don’t want to leave the playground and it doesn’t feel good at all. I understand.”
This isn’t about telling them they’re right. It’s about expressing understanding, and modeling ways to accept limits and talk about feelings.
2. Give choices when possible.
Many children hear the word “no” all day long. This can be tough! Giving your child age-appropriate choices (when possible) can help provide your child with a sense of agency, reducing tantrums and power struggles.
Here are a few types of phrases you can use:
“Do you want to wear your red socks, or your blue socks?”
“You have two great choices! You can throw the balls into the basket, which means you can keep playing with the balls. If you choose to throw them at people, the balls will go away. You decide.”
“We have two great snacks here - how exciting! Would you like grapes, or a banana for your snack today?”
As you can see, these choices are clear and concrete. They can allow your child to focus on something specific, and allow them to feel in control.
You’re not responsible for your child’s choices. Your role is to offer clear, appropriate options, and implement the consequences of those decisions.
3. Express positivity.
It’s helpful to stay positive, even during the tantrum. Children are responsive to their parents’ tone, and this can be contagious. On the other hand, approaching these tense moments with a confrontational tone can put your child in a negative and even defiant frame of mind.
As you offer choices and even redirect attention, it’s sometimes possible to influence the trajectory of the tantrum through a positive tone.
Think of how it would feel to be sad about having to stop doing something fun and hearing, “Stop crying! I told you it was time to quit playing and have a snack. Eat your apple.”
On the other hand, imagine being upset and hearing, “I can see that you’re upset that you have to stop playing. I understand. But now it’s time for a fun snack! You have two great choices. Would you like apples or yogurt today?”
It doesn’t feel good for your child to be out of control; approaching these moments with a positive tone - as difficult as that is - can make a difference.
When your child is losing their cool, they need you to remain sane and rational. You are their rock, their shelter in the storm.
4. Enforce limits.
You’re not being “mean” when your child is upset at a limit you’ve defined for their own wellbeing. We like to say that “limits are loving” when it comes to small children. The truth is, enforcing limits and boundaries with your little ones encourages flexibility, adaptability, resilience, and the development of effective coping strategies.
One thing to keep in mind: it’s essential that these limits are ones you can actually enforce; for example, “time out” is very difficult to enforce, while “no TV time” is more achievable.
As you enforce these limits, communicate clearly about your expectations and avoid any shaming or blaming. Loving, direct communication can help keep the tantrum from escalating further, because it helps prevent your child from becoming upset about the conflict in their relationship with you at the moment.
As an adult, you know that life brings disappointments and complications. Your child will face these challenges as they grow, too. Enforcing loving limits can help prepare them to navigate those difficult moments.
The next time you’re tempted to give in on a rule you know is good for your child, remind yourself that we live in a world that doesn’t adapt to us; we have to do the adjusting. After all, the ability to adapt is what makes children happy, and enables them to be successful now and in the future.
5. Ignore the tantrum, in some cases.
In some cases, it can make sense to selectively ignore a temper tantrum. When we say “ignore,” we mean supervise without directly engaging. This strategy allows you to ensure your child is safe, without directly engaging or escalating the tantrum.
Again, the safety of you, your child, and your belongings is the most important thing; if these aren’t in danger, experts say that it can make sense not to intervene - i.e. “ignore” - the tantrum. You can also think about “ignoring” as “giving your attention selectively.”
In this case, “ignoring” a tantrum can look like:
Not making eye contact. By not giving attention directly, you can signal to your child that their behavior isn’t working to achieve their goal.
Turning your back to the tantrum. As long as you can ensure that your child is safe, turning your back can function in much the same way as not making eye contact.
Moving away from the situation (while staying close). Again, the goal here is to demonstrate that your child’s behavior won’t let them get their way or gain control of the situation. As always, safety remains paramount.
Redirecting with a specific request, without getting too engaged. This tactic can be especially effective for younger kids, because it helps the parent take the focus away from the inappropriate behavior and turn everyone's attention to something else. Experts recommend that redirection be coupled with positive reinforcement, attention, or praise.
The one thing not to do in the middle of a tantrum? Try to talk it out. During this emotional storm, your child can’t “use their words” and there’s no point trying to reason with them.
If all of your best efforts to stop the tantrum don’t work, that’s okay. You’re not a bad parent - sometimes, the tantrum can’t be prevented. In that case, your only real option is to wait it out and communicate with your child when they’ve calmed down.
It may be comforting to know that tantrums typically become less challenging as children grow older.
As children age, they learn skills to communicate their needs and regulate their own emotions. This typically means that tantrums decrease in length, severity, and frequency as kids grow up. In fact, children 2-3 years old have two times as many tantrums as 4-5 year olds.
However, we do want to pay attention to temper tantrums that happen nearly every day, are prolonged (last 20 minutes or more), are aggressive or violent, and/or continue later into childhood.
Frequent, intense tantrums that involve hitting, kicking, biting, or breaking things are sometimes called a “mental health fever.” Like a fever when a child is physically ill, these “mental health fevers” tell us that a child is distressed and may be experiencing an emotional or behavioral challenge. To be able to help the child and their family in this situation, we need to know more.
Even if your child’s tantrums don’t fall into the “atypical” category, they may still impair or negatively impact your child or family’s functioning. If that’s the case, it may be time to explore outside support from a mental health professional. As you make this decision, it’s important to think about the effect the tantrums have on your family’s overall wellbeing.
As a parent or caregiver, you know your family best. We’re here to help.
Little Otter is available in select states if you’d like to get started. Your pediatrician is also a great resource.
Meet Claire Lerner, MSW
CLAIRE LERNER, MSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. She served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for more than twenty years. Claire has also been a practicing clinician for 35 years, partnering with parents to decode their children’s behavior and solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. Claire also provides training to local preschools and pediatric residents.
Claire is the author of hundreds of parenting resources, including books, blogs, podcasts, and videos. She writes a column for PBS Kids, and her work has been published by several parenting publications. She has also served as a content expert for numerous national daily newspapers.
Claire is the mother of two very spirited children of her own, Sam (30) and Jess (28), and mom to two stepchildren, Justin (30) and Sammy (27). She lives in Washington, DC with her husband and two, also spirited, pups.
Learn more about Claire’s latest book:
Why Is My Child in Charge?: A Roadmap to End Power Struggles, Increase Cooperation, and Find Joy in Parenting Young Children (Rowman & Littlefield. Hardcover) ISBN: 978-1-5381-4900-3.
Through stories from my practice, I show how making critical mindshifts—seeing their children’s behaviors through a new lens —empowers parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. Unlike many parenting books that offer a one-size-fits-all approach that often leave parents feeling frustrated and defeated when those prescriptions don't work, the real-life stories in my book provide a roadmap for how parents can tune into the root causes of their children’s behavior and how to create and implement strategies that are tailored to the unique needs of their child and family. Read more about and order the book:
Rowman & Littlefield -*Offering a 30% discount through 9/30! Call 800-462-6420, promo code: RLFANDF30
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