How Can We Talk to Our Teenager about Our Choice for Her High School?

Ask a Child PsychologistExpressing and Regulating EmotionsMood & AttitudeSchool Anxiety & StressParenting Tips

Feb 4

This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with topics related to sadness and anger. Please take care when reading.

Adolescence is a challenging time, and for many families, the transition to high school can create tension. This was the case for one family who reached out for advice on how to communicate with their daughter more effectively. Here’s what our team of child mental health experts recommended:

“We can’t have a conversation with our 14-year-old daughter without her saying something rude or rolling her eyes. When we call her out on this, she cries and says she’s sorry, but it only lasts until the next conversation.
We think this behavior is related to school; she’ll start high school this fall, and has been accepted at an excellent private school.
She’s extremely smart and a talented athlete, and has attended a private Christian school since first grade. However, she has a close friend who wants her to go to the local public school, which my daughter desperately wants to do. We feel this is a poor option.
When we approach the discussion and point out that she’ll still see her friend at soccer, weekends, and after school, she gets mad, cries, and loses control. Any suggestions on how to have this conversation?”
- S., Colorado

Adolescence is a very tough time. It is truly the time when most children start living double lives: their family life and their peer life.

If the world is family for younger kids, it is truly more complicated for adolescents and I suspect that your daughter, whom you describe as doing well in so many ways, is struggling since family life and peer life are at odds. You want her to do the logical thing (attend the excellent school), and she wants to do the emotional thing (be around her friends as much as possible). To be fair, the amount of hanging out that you suggest (soccer, weekends and after school) is terrifyingly small for her because this is an age where inclusion is sought, and exclusion feared the most. She is afraid, and rightly so, that she will not be as connected or intimate with the friends she doesn't see daily at school.

Related to rudeness, it is often the case that adolescents are negative or critical of their parents and too impulsive emotionally to suppress those feelings. I generally recommend allowing some eye rolling, abrasiveness, and talking back; if not, you cause your teen to be inauthentic and more distant from you.

Teens react very emotionally like your daughter does, afraid of rejection and feeling very guilty. I would also be careful to avoid disciplinary consequences that disrupt your daughter's well being like limiting sports participation, which is good for her mind and body.

To address your daughter’s rudeness, I would suggest a conversation where you acknowledge that she is at an age where she both loves you and finds you ridiculous and annoying (as most teens do with their parents). You could allow her some irritability and ignore it unless it is dangerous to her or you, or too disrespectful (e.g., calling you curse names vs. rolling her eyes).

Regarding the school choice: I don't know what the right choice is, but I would start the conversation with her, acknowledging how difficult it is for her to imagine not being with her friends as much, and ask her to tell you what she is afraid will happen if she sees her friends less.

Please know that Little Otter offers many resources to support the healthy development of children and adolescents, including referrals to high quality clinical professionals.

Finally, please know you are not alone: parenting teenagers is very hard. I generally tell parents that it's a whole new challenge that requires the development of new parenting skills because many of the ones we use with younger children become less useful.

If you would like more individualized help, please reach out to Little Otter. We would be happy to support you. Or please feel free to submit another question and we will reply.