Practical Parenting Tips for Sibling Rivalry from a Behavior Analyst

One of the most common questions I get as a behavior analyst with a PhD in Psychology is: How can I stop my kids from constantly fighting? In fact, during a recent flight, my seatmate found out what I do for work, and they immediately launched into stories about their own kids’ sibling showdowns at home. Sound familiar? 

Sibling conflict dynamics is a longstanding family challenge that’s gaining increasing attention from researchers seeking to understand the intricacies. Earlier this year, a study about personality traits amongst the middle child went viral. 

It’s likely no surprise to hear that sibling conflict can lead to negative outcomes, increased disruptive behaviors at home and school, antisocial tendencies, weaker social skills with peers, and even poor sleep (Yuge et al., 2024). Cool - not only are the kids fighting, but now they aren’t sleeping, either.

It’s not all bad news: If your kiddos are experiencing Fight Club in the living room, research shows there’s a little bit of a silver lining. Sibling conflict can actually help build perseverance, compromise, communication, and coping skills. It also helps kids learn to navigate social situations with greater ease.

While sibling conflict can foster some positive outcomes, my role as a researcher and clinical behavior analyst is to help families navigate these disputes in a sustainable, constructive way. But first, let’s explore why sibling conflicts happen, unpack the functions of behavior, and then dive into interventions that actually work.

Understanding Sibling Rivalry Through a Behavioral Lens

Functions of Behavior

Before we dig into sibling conflict and why it happens, let’s go to the basics and understand the four main reasons why any behavior happens! What may seem random is likely happening for a very specific reason.

• Attention: Sometimes, kids act out simply to get attention from others. This doesn't have to be positive attention; even scolding, yelling, or reacting emotionally counts. If a child learns that certain behaviors reliably get a reaction, they are more likely to keep doing them.
• Access to items or activities: Other times, a behavior happens because the child wants to get something; a favorite toy, a snack, screen time, or another desired activity. If throwing a tantrum leads to getting the item, that behavior is reinforced and will likely happen again.
• Escape or avoidance: Some behaviors happen to get out of something unpleasant or undesired. For example, a child might argue, refuse, or meltdown when it’s time for chores, homework, or bedtime; because those behaviors have worked in the past to delay or avoid the task.
• Automatic reinforcement: This function happens when the behavior itself is inherently rewarding, without needing attention or external items. Think of behaviors like rocking, hair twirling, or humming. These actions provide internal sensory feedback or comfort that maintains the behavior on its own.

Understanding why a behavior is happening is key to figuring out how to respond effectively. When we know the function, we can choose interventions that address the cause instead of just reacting to the symptoms.

Where Things Go Sideways

Sibling fighting often continues because it’s accidentally reinforced. Meaning, the behavior works for the kids in some way. And the more a behavior is reinforced, the more often we’ll see it.

• Ever notice your child antagonizing their sibling or intentionally pushing their sister’s buttons? At that moment, the antagonizer is getting attention from their sibling’s reaction. Even negative attention counts - and it can reinforce the “picking on” behavior.
  
  • Function of behavior: Attention
• Ever watch one sibling grab a toy from another? Yep, probably more times than you can count. If grabbing the toy leads to successfully getting it, that behavior is reinforced by gaining access to the preferred item - and it’s likely to happen again because it worked.
  
  • Function of behavior: Access to items
• Ah, chores! Always a breeding ground for some resistance. Have you ever seen your kids arguing over who has to do what? Sometimes, we see challenging behavior as an attempt to avoid the task entirely.
  
  • Function of behavior: Escape or avoidance

Bottom line: If the fighting leads to a desired outcome, it’s likely to keep happening. This is something I tell many of the families I work with: If you keep seeing the same patterns of challenging behavior despite trying to intervene, it’s a sign the current approach isn’t effectively addressing the function of the behavior.

How to Handle Sibling Rivalry

There’s good news! There are positive parenting techniques you can incorporate into your daily routine to help foster sibling cooperation and reduce conflict. Here’s how you can flip the script and promote more peace (and maybe even a little sibling bonding!):

Model Conflict Resolution

Instead of the classic “Stop fighting!” try coaching them through conflicts with prompts like:

• “I hear that you don’t like being called that name. Let your brother know how it makes you feel and ask him to stop”
• “Seems like this might be hard for you. Try asking for help?”
• “I see that you are both interested in that toy. Let’s take turns.”

I often hear caregivers say they want their kids to “figure it out on their own.” And while that’s helpful once they have the tools, we first have to make sure they’ve learned the skills needed to resolve conflicts. Let’s be honest, some adults still struggle with conflict resolution, so it’s a big ask to expect kids to do it flawlessly without guidance!

The goal is to give your kids the language and tools they need to work through disagreements. Once you’ve modeled what to say and do, you can gradually fade your support and prompts, allowing them to handle more on their own. But first - we have to teach them how.

Set Clear Expectations

Many family conflicts happen because expectations are too “loosey-goosey.” And as a parent myself, I completely understand; sometimes we’re just trying to get through the week, juggling the mental load of everyone’s schedules and needs. But unclear expectations can lead to arguments and frustration.

If chores or responsibilities are becoming a battleground, try getting ahead of it. Clear, consistent expectations (who’s responsible for what, and when) can reduce uncertainty and give kids a sense of fairness and predictability.

The next follow up question I get: How on earth do we make this happen in a sustainable way?

• Use a visible schedule or chore chart: Post responsibilities in a shared space (like the fridge or a family bulletin board) so everyone can see what’s expected - no more “I didn’t know it was my turn!”
• Hold short weekly family meetings: This is one of my favorite interventions to suggest! Take 10-15 minutes at the start of each week to review tasks, swap responsibilities if needed, and let kids have a voice in the progress which helps with buy-in.
  
  • Bonus: Let each child ‘host’ a week and let them plan the snacks!
• Keep tasks age-appropriate and realistic: Assign responsibilities that match each child’s developmental level so they can complete them successfully and independently which also helps to reduce frustration for everyone. 

Catch the Good Stuff & Use Positive Praise

Did you catch your kids sharing, compromising, or problem-solving together? Don’t let it slide by unnoticed - reinforce it right away. Using positive praise can be incredible for the entire family!

Positive behaviors are more likely to happen again when they’re acknowledged and rewarded. And no, it doesn’t have to be over the top! Try simple, meaningful reinforcements like:

• A high-five or fist bump
• “Hey, I love how you worked that out together!”
• Letting them pick the family movie
• A sticker, token, or extra screen time

The key is: make being kind, cooperative, and respectful more rewarding than being chaotic or combative.

Be Consistent!

Consistency builds trust, predictability, and emotional safety for kids. When they know you’ll respond the same way each time, they’re less likely to test the limits (or at least won’t be surprised by the outcome).

For example:

• If you’ve said “We take turns with the Xbox every 30 minutes,” hold that boundary even if one child complains.
• If the rule is “If you fight over a toy, the toy goes away for 10 minutes,” follow through each time the rule is broken.

When consequences or rewards are unpredictable, kids may escalate behaviors to see what works. But when your follow-through is steady, it makes your feedback more effective and reduces power struggles over time.

Tip for sustainability: Keep rules and consequences simple, realistic, and easy to apply so you’re not setting yourself up for exhaustion trying to maintain them.

Sibling conflict is a normal part of family life, but with the right tools, it doesn’t have to dominate the household. By modeling conflict resolution, setting clear expectations, catching the good moments, and staying consistent, you’re not just reducing fighting - you are teaching lifelong skills in communication, collaboration, and problem-solving. With time and practice, those daily disputes can transform from Fight Club moments to opportunities for growth, teamwork, and even a little sibling bonding. 

FAQs with Dr. Anesa Doyle 

Should I treat my kids the same to prevent rivalry?

This is a very common question, the short answer - no! Fairness doesn’t always mean sameness. 

Each child has unique developmental needs, personalities, and challenges, so providing the exact same treatment across the board can actually create more frustration than clarity. For example, an older child may earn later bedtimes or more responsibilities, while a younger sibling may need more guidance and support. What matters most is consistency in your values and transparency in your decisions. Avoid making changes just to prevent arguments; instead, explain the “why” behind your choices so each child understands that fairness is about meeting individual needs, not enforcing uniformity.

Is sibling rivalry normal and when should I worry?

Sibling rivalry and conflict are very common experiences in many families. For most families, this type of conflict is normal and not a cause for concern. A few examples below: 

• Short-live arguments that dissolve quickly.
• Physical play that may occasionally become too rough but stops when a parent or adult intervenes.
• Occasional name calling or yelling, which is a normal dynamic between siblings.
• Siblings fights do not involve emotional manipulation or sustained bullying.

However, there are times when sibling conflict may exceed typical behavior and become a cause for concern. These cases may indicate maladaptive sibling dynamics.

• Frequent or intense physical aggression that may lead to injury or fear.
• One-sided conflict where one child is consistently the aggressor or instigator. 
• There is cruelty or threats that involve violent language or intent of emotional harm.
• There are no signs of remorse or empathy for hurting their sibling.
• If you see the maladaptive behaviors worsening over time.

Can therapy or parent coaching help with sibling rivalry?

Yes, therapy or parent coaching can be incredibly helpful in addressing sibling rivalry. These supportive environments provide families with the tools and guidance needed to better understand the root functions of conflict and foster healthier relationships between siblings. 

Therapists and Parent Specialists specialize in teaching coping skills, emotional regulation strategies, and age-appropriate conflict resolution techniques in a safe and structured setting. By working collaboratively with a professional, both parents and children can learn how to navigate disagreements more constructively and build stronger, more empathetic connections.

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