What to Say (and Not Say) to a Child Who’s Anxious About Going Back to School

As a child therapist, I see every year how the back-to-school season brings a mix of excitement, nerves, and, for many kids, real anxiety. This is normal. In fact, back-to-school anxiety is one of the most common concerns we see at Little Otter.

Long before the first day, the pressure starts to build. Stores are stocked with school supplies, grown-ups are buzzing about teachers and who’s in whose class, and kids are picking up on it all. The fun summer camps are winding down and their brains are anticipating the back-to-school transition. These messages can plant seeds of worry before a child even knows what to expect. Even for children who have been in school for many years, this time of year can bring on feelings of anxiety. 

While we can’t control every externality, we can control our words, and how we hold space for our children’s big feelings. In my 10 years as a child therapist, I’ve seen just how important our language is. What we say, and how we say it, can either calm a child’s nervous system or send it into overdrive. The right language can help a child feel safe, supported, and have the tools to feel confident to face what’s ahead. 

What Not to Say (Even If You Mean Well)

Even with the best intentions, certain phrases can accidentally add to a child’s anxiety instead of easing it. Here are a few common missteps: 

• Invalidating feelings: Saying, “There’s nothing to worry about!”, “You’ll be okay!”, or “Just don’t think about it!” can feel like reassurance to us as adults, but it can leave a child feeling misunderstood or even more anxious. When a child shares a fear, they’re looking for connection, not correction. Dismissing their worry sends the message that their emotions are wrong or unwelcome.
• Unintentionally teasing: Comments like, “You’re being silly,” or “You’re such a drama queen,” might be said with a smile, intended to lighten the mood, or be an attempt to distract them. However, for a child who is already overwhelmed, these comments can feel like ridicule. Instead, aim for warmth, patience, and curiosity.
• Using shame: Shaming messages like, “If you cry, the teacher won’t like it,” or “You’re in third grade now, third graders don’t cry!” may stop the tears in the moment, however they teach kids to bottle up emotions instead of learning that it is okay to feel them, and learn how to manage them. Over time, this can make anxiety feel even bigger and even harder to talk about.

What to Say Instead 

Kids don’t always have the language to explain what they’re feeling, so they borrow ours. The way we talk to them during their anxious moments can either help them feel grounded or leave them feeling unsure. 

Here are a few phrases I often share with parents: 

• Remind them they’ve been here before. Kids forget how brave they’ve already been. Remind them of past experiences that have gone well. “Remember when you felt scared before and got through it? I know you are capable of being strong like that again, even if it feels really tough.”
• Avoid open-ended questions. Instead of yes or no questions like “Are you nervous?”, try open-ended ones that invite conversation: “What part of the day feels the hardest to you?” or “What would help drop-off feel a little less scary for you?”
• Use the ‘name it to tame it’ strategy. Labeling emotions helps kids make sense of what’s happening inside: “It sounds like you’re feeling a mix of nerves and excitement,” “It is understandable to feel scared for your first day tomorrow”, or “Sometimes our brains say ‘danger’ even when we’re safe, that’s anxiety trying to protect us.”
• Reassure them they aren’t the only ones feeling this way. Relate their feelings back to their peers, especially close friends: “It makes sense to feel nervous. Lots of kids feel that way at the start of school, even Thomas!” This can help your child feel less alone in what they’re feeling, without brushing it aside. There is comfort in knowing that many kids feel this way and nothing is wrong with them.
• Involve your kiddo. Folding them into the conversation, instead of avoiding it, can help them feel a sense of agency. Engage your child in a conversation to understand the routine, and use a chart with words or pictures depending on your child’s age. Once you establish a routine, stick to it! Your child will know what to expect and unknowns will decrease, which may decrease anxiety. You can try something like: “Let’s come up with a plan together so you know what to expect and what to do when you’re nervous.” We’ve created a Visual Schedule for Home and School that you can download below!

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You don’t need a perfect script, just a calm presence, a listening ear, and a few steady phrases. The goal isn’t to erase your child’s anxiety, but to help them learn the tools to move through it with your support. That’s what builds resilience. 

How to Know if Their Anxiety Requires Additional Support

Parents should seek out professional mental health support when their child’s anxiety is:

• Persistent, lasting more than a month.
• Disruptive to the child’s daily life and their functioning and/or the functioning of the family. This can include the child’s attendance at school, academic achievement, the child or family’s participation in activities outside the home, establishing and maintaining friendships, and the quality of relationships with family members.  
• Interfering with their child’s ability to carry out developmentally-appropriate activities, such as being alone to use the bathroom or participate in an extracurricular activity alone.
• Distressing to their child and/or other family members.
• Accompanied by emotional outbursts that put their child or others at risk of harm.

Little Otter's approach combines these evidence-based treatments with family-focused care, recognizing that supporting caregivers is crucial to helping anxious children. By involving the whole family in treatment, Little Otter offers a comprehensive approach to managing social anxiety.‍

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Back-to-school anxiety is challenging for kids, but with the right support, they can learn to manage their fears. If you're concerned about your child's anxiety, especially as the new school year approaches, don't hesitate to reach out for professional help. Little Otter is here to support your family every step of the way.  

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