Why is My Child Good at School But Bad At Home?
Parents and caregivers often ask, “Why is my child good at school but bad at home?”
These loving adults share that their children are calm, cooperative, collaborative in the classroom, but don’t listen, are demanding, or have meltdowns at home.
If your child is a superstar at school, chances are you’re proud of them for being good at sharing, listening to their teacher, and helping out. But you may wonder why they “choose” to be so difficult at home.
Here are 7 reasons why your child is good at school, but misbehaves at home - and how to handle it.
To understand why your child might be “good” at school and “bad” at home, it helps to see things from your child’s perspective. This will also reveal ways to respond that can increase cooperation and reduce power struggles at home.
1. School is Stressful
From your kid’s point of view, school is stressful. They’re developing new social skills, learning how to communicate, and getting comfortable with sharing. That’s not to say this stress is harmful; rather, we can think of this as “positive” stress because it encourages growth and the development of important skills.
In early care and education settings, children are given countless directions to follow, and they’re asked to navigate many transitions in a long school day. Plus, there are inevitable moments of frustration, disappointment, and conflict.
This is a lot for a young child to manage, and it’s very taxing! Their “upstairs” brain - the part that’s responsible for impulse control and self-regulation - is in the early stages of development. By the time they get home, they’re fried! (Think about how you feel after a long day of work.)
Highly sensitive kids in particular may be more reactive, and reach their threshold for managing stressors sooner. They may be more likely to lose it after a long day at school.
2. School Has Lots of Structure
To ensure a safe, calm classroom, teachers need to implement clear rules and provide secure boundaries. Kids know exactly where everything goes, what to expect, and where to put themselves (“criss-cross applesauce!”). These directions are clear, which is comforting for children. Knowing exactly what to expect helps them follow the many rules in place in a classroom.
For many families, home is different. Parents aren’t always trained in early child development and don’t always know how to set clear limits to ensure an effective group setting.
3. Parents Are More Emotionally Focused on Their Kids
Parents are so emotionally connected to, and therefore reactive to, their kids. It’s part of being a parent! That said, the intensity of the parent-child relationship makes it difficult for parents to be clear and calm with their children.
4. Parents are Busy, Too!
At school, teachers are empowered to be completely focused on spending time interacting with and educating their students. In the home, parents deal with countless demands at once. Not to mention, parents are navigating the complicated dynamics between siblings, which can be triggering for parents and caregivers.
5. Kids May Let Guardrails Down at Home
Chances are, you’re your best self at work. You manage emotions, behave with kindness and cooperativeness, and cool your reactions down. Then, you get home and unload all that stress onto the people you love and care about most. Even though this is something many of us need to work on, we feel comfortable doing this because we know our family will accept us and be there for us. Our kids feel the same way! Home is their safe space. They trust you, so they feel free to fall apart with family when they’re maxed out.
6. Kids Experiment with Roles
Children are testing out different roles, and they feel safe doing that at home. They can express themselves in ways that may not be comfortable at school. For example, children may be more assertive at home and test their power. Sometimes this happens in ways that aren’t acceptable or appropriate, but setting loving limits can help.
7. Give Yourself a Hand
If your child is thriving in school or another group setting, give yourself a hand. If so, you’ve given your child the tools to succeed in the real world: to be flexible, to tune into others’ ideas and needs, to wait for their turn, and to cope when things don’t go her way.
Next week, we’ll be covering how to respond when your child misbehaves at home, so stay tuned!
Looking for more support? Little Otter is here with exceptional mental health care for your whole family.
Register for Little Otter here.
Start with an assessment, and then connect with your licensed and trained parenting specialist. You’ll also gain the tools and support to manage these challenging moments.
Meet the Writer: Claire Lerner, MSW
CLAIRE LERNER, MSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. She served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for more than twenty years. Claire has also been a practicing clinician for 35 years, partnering with parents to decode their children’s behavior and solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. Claire also provides training to local preschools and pediatric residents. Claire is the author of hundreds of parenting resources, including books, blogs, podcasts, and videos. She writes a column for PBS Kids, and her work has been published by several parenting publications. She has also served as a content expert for numerous national daily newspapers. Claire is the mother of two very spirited children of her own, Sam (30) and Jess (28), and mom to two stepchildren, Justin (30) and Sammy (27). She lives in Washington, DC with her husband and two, also spirited, pups.
Learn more about Claire’s latest book:
Why Is My Child in Charge?: A Roadmap to End Power Struggles, Increase Cooperation, and Find Joy in Parenting Young Children (Rowman & Littlefield. Hardcover) ISBN: 978-1-5381-4900-3.
Through stories from my practice, I show how making critical mindshifts—seeing their children’s behaviors through a new lens —empowers parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. Unlike many parenting books that offer a one-size-fits-all approach that often leave parents feeling frustrated and defeated when those prescriptions don't work, the real-life stories in my book provide a roadmap for how parents can tune into the root causes of their children’s behavior and how to create and implement strategies that are tailored to the unique needs of their child and family. Read more about and order the book:
Rowman & Littlefield -*Offering a 30% discount through 9/30! Call 800-462-6420, promo code: RLFANDF30