How Can I Stop My 3 Year Old from Hitting?
This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with worries related to toddler aggression. Please take care when reading.
One parent recently wrote in with concerns about their 3 year old’s aggressive behavior, including hitting. Here is their question, and an answer from our team of child mental health experts.
“My toddler is hitting daily at school and on the playground. This has been happening since he turned 3. We used to believe it was because he was jealous of his sister, but it must be something more deep. I don’t know how to rectify the issue. How can we stop our 3 year old hitting?”
- T., United States
Thank you for reaching out to Little Otter with your question.
It’s important to note that at your around 3 years old, many children go through a phase where they hit others.
Three-year-old children are in a stage of development where they are still learning to use their words to communicate their feelings. They are also testing limits and boundaries as they acquire more complex motor skills. Depending on your son’s language development, he may be hitting as a way to express his frustration (e.g., someone does something he doesn’t like), excitement (e.g., he’s happy and can’t contain his emotions), or even anxiety (e.g., he becomes overwhelmed by all the incoming stimuli).
Many families will deal with toddler aggression, including hitting, so we have a few time-tested recommendations:
First, I recommend that you continually remind him to have “safe hands” and to keep his hands to himself.
Because it is a fairly common developmental issue, there are several books that address hitting in young children. For example, you could get the book Hands are Not for Hitting by Martine Agassi. You could read the book with your son, and then have an additional prompt ready whenever he does hit. For example, you could reinforce “safe hands” by saying, “remember, like in your book.”
Second, it’s also important to help your son understand that people don’t like to be hit.
This can be a simple conversation. However, it’s important not to hit him, even gently to “show him how it feels,” or in play, because that can send the message that hitting is okay.
Third, when he engages in this behavior at home, try to help him articulate what he actually wants.
You can also help fill in the gaps if he has any language delays (e.g., “I know you want the toy your sister has in her hands.”) In such a case, have your daughter express her feelings about how getting hit made her feel, and then model for your son a more appropriate way of asking for the toy.
You mentioned that you think his 3-year-old hitting behavior may be connected to his baby sister; it is possible that these two things are related.
As far it being deeper than jealousy about his sister: well, if she is a baby, it is the case that his life went from “king of the world” to high expectations about his maturity. This usually happens when a baby comes in, and a toddler suddenly seems almost like a teenager by comparison to his/her parents. Some kids take poorly to being dethroned or their lives being disrupted.
There are some things you can do, if that is the case:
Always manifest that he has priority attention, even for a few minutes before you lavish all your attention on baby (as nature commands). He is way too young to understand the reality that baby sister is more fragile.
Examine what you are telling him: that he is a big kid now? He may not like that at all.
If you feel that the narrative has mostly been that it's enchanting that he is a big brother, he may be letting you know he does not find it enchanting. If you think that may be the case, I would tell him a story of a little boy who got really scared after he had a baby sister, because he was not sure that his mom still loved him. See how he reacts, and then comfort him accordingly.
As your toddler’s language and social-emotional skills continue to develop, you should see a reduction in hitting behaviors.
If for some reason it continues, or if you observe an increase, it may be worth talking to your pediatrician to see if they can offer a referral to a child specialist in your area. A child psychologist will conduct an evaluation to gain more information about your son, and should be able to help with additional strategies and interventions once they identify the cause for the behavior. Little Otter is also available in select states for no-waitlist appointments and consultations.
Wishing you the best with your son.
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