This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with topics related to self-esteem and shame. Please take care when reading.
What can you do when your child won’t ask for help, and takes their frustration out on themselves? How can you support them and build their self-esteem? That’s what one parent asked our team of child mental health experts. Here’s their advice:
“My 9-year-old daughter sometimes has issues expressing her emotions. She’s a very compassionate kid, and never wants to upset anyone. Even when she needs help, she won’t tell anyone, and she says she’s okay even when she’s not.
She struggles a lot with school, and is currently attending online classes. She seems to feel stupid if she can’t figure something out on her own, and pulls her own hair when frustrated. I try to talk to her, but she says I just get frustrated and stressed out, and she also doesn’t want her teacher mad at her.
How can I encourage her to ask for help, and support her when she needs it?”
- J., Florida
Thank you for your question. It is great that you are so attuned to your daughter’s feelings and frustrations towards school.
First, it is important to note that anxiety, frustration, and irritability have increased in many children since the transition to online learning.
The digital format is challenging for many young students, so please know that your daughter is not alone in her struggle. Based on the information you provided, it sounds like your daughter is aware that school is challenging for her, but she doesn’t know how to make it better. It may be that asking an adult for help creates a sense of shame or inadequacy for her. She wants to be able to do it alone, and when she can’t, this leads to internal conflict.
It may be helpful for her to learn that school is hard for many kids right now, and because she isn’t in a classroom with a teacher all day, there may be times when she needs to ask different adults for help. Sometimes kids are particularly sensitive to academic feedback from their parents. I have worked with many who struggle when receiving instruction or corrective feedback from their parents, but do much better when it is from another family member, a tutor, a counselor at school, etc. You might see if your daughter is more receptive to feedback from another supportive adult.
Additionally, you mentioned that your daughter is worried about her teacher “getting mad at her.” For whatever reason, whether real or imagined, your daughter seems concerned that asking for help is the same as bothering someone. It will be important for her to learn that it is okay to ask for help.
I recommend reading the book Giraffe Asks for Help by Nyasha Chikowore with your daughter. After reading the book, you can open up a conversation about different areas in her life where she can ask for help (i.e., baking cookies, completing a hard chore, schoolwork).
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If you try some of these strategies and your daughter is still continuing to struggle, I recommend contacting a child specialist to gain additional support.
Here at Little Otter we offer parent coaching and can make referrals to other supportive services, as necessary.
If you have additional questions, you can send an email to us here. We would be happy to support you. Or please feel free to submit another question and we will reply.
Additional Resources
- Giraffe Asks for Help on Amazon
- Join Little Otter
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