A Parent’s Guide to Raising Independent, Resilient Tweens

Mental health struggles like anxiety and depression are finally part of everyday conversation which is encouraging, but also a reminder of how much work we still have to do.

A new study showed the major factors that are contributing to the rise in adolescents experiencing anxiety and depression include academic pressures, social media influence, family dynamics, and broader societal stressors. So, where do we go from here when the data is…. bleak. 

As caregivers, we can actively nurture independence, boost confidence, and build resilience in our children, key protective factors that help combat anxiety and depression. Encouraging kids to take ownership of their choices and problem-solving empowers them to face challenges with greater strength and self-assurance. This sense of autonomy is a powerful tool in supporting mental well-being amid today’s pressures.

Why Independence Matters for Tweens

Tweens need independence for biopsychosocial (biological + psychological + social) reasons: their brains are developing rapidly, their sense of self is taking shape, and they are ready to benefit from real-world experiences that foster growth. When caregivers and parents offer structured independence, you’re supporting their development across these three key areas.

Biological: Cognitive growth and executive function. 

In the tween years, the prefrontal cortex (the area of the brain responsible for executive functioning), is rapidly developing. Executive functioning is the mental skills that help us plan, focus, remember instructions, stay organized, and manage time. This growth allows kids to think more abstractly, problem solve, and weigh consequences. This development lays the foundation for making decisions and taking on greater responsibility. With structured opportunities for independence, it will organically strengthen these skills through things like a need for planning and time management when they are without an adult.

Psychological: Establishing confidence and forming their identity. 

As preteens, kids become more influenced by peers, more aware of social comparisons, and more motivated to assert independence. Encouraging age-appropriate autonomy supports self-confidence, social maturity, and helps them clarify their values and decision-making skills.

Social: Safe space to fail and learn. 

The stakes of failure are still relatively low at this age. Allowing a safe space for kids to explore their independence and autonomy opens up the opportunity to build resilience and responsibility. If mistakes happen (and they will) they are usually smaller and give an opportunity for teachable moments.

Building Independence in Everyday Life 

Now that we know the importance of building independence with our preteens, what does that look like and where do we start? Great question! 

• Model the expectation and then fade out your support: The best way to teach a new skill is to model what it looks like to complete that task. You will show your kids how to do the new skill or task first. Once your child has exhibited success with a new behavior, you will fade back your support. For example, if your child is wanting to bike to a location by themselves, first show them how to get to there. Then the next time, you can hang back a few feet and let your child guide the commute. Once you see they are safe and have the ability, you can fade back even further until they can do it on their own.

• Priming: Priming is an antecedent intervention that involves previewing information, expectations, or activities before they occur. When our kids are seeking opportunities to explore independence, it is so important to discuss the upcoming events, transitions or tasks. Priming helps our kids become more familiar with what will happen which reduces anxiety by increasing predictability.
• Clearly outline expectations: It's important that your child understands the expectations when taking on a new task. Sometimes, it’s also helpful to break the task down into smaller steps so they know exactly how to approach the situation. For example, if your child is staying home alone for 30 minutes, you can provide clear, step-by-step instructions to help them feel confident and stay safe. This might include locking the door, knowing what to do if someone knocks, or how to contact a caregiver.

Age Appropriate Ways to Increase Independence 

• Advocating for themselves at the doctor. When the medical professional comes in and asks what’s going on, give your child the chance to explain first. After they’ve had a turn, I usually ask, “Is it okay if I fill in any gaps or add anything?” If they say yes, I provide additional details. The first few attempts might be brief or incomplete, but that is okay, it is a part of learning. This practice helps them build confidence and teaches them how to advocate for themselves in a healthcare setting.
• Asking for help at a store. If your child is looking for an item or has a question about a product, use their interest in that moment as a chance to build independence. Encourage them to approach a store employee and ask the question themselves.
• Ordering their own food at a restaurant. Ordering their own food is a simple, safe way for kids to practice independence. It might feel intimidating at first, but with practice, their confidence and independence will grow.
• When on a bike ride, allow them to go further each time: Start small and gradually build your child’s comfort and safety skills in navigating farther from home. Begin with bike rides on your own street, then expand to the block, then the next block over. With time and practice, they’ll be confidently biking all around town.
• Time-manage their own bedtime. This has been a recent addition to my parenting toolbox. During the summer and on weekends, it’s normal for preteens to want to stay up later, but as a parent, I don’t always want to stay up with them. If that sounds familiar, I recommend saying goodnight at a set time and giving them a clear bedtime with an alarm. When the alarm goes off, lights go off too. When we first started, I stayed up to make sure they followed through. After a few weeks of consistent independence, I began fading my reminders to see how they handled it on their own. Now, they’re fully managing it independently! I still do occasional check-ins, mainly on nights when I happen to be awake, to make sure they’re staying consistent.

• Lead the charge at the airport. One of my favorite ways to build independence is teaching kids how to navigate an airport. Start small, ask them to find your gate using signs or screens. As they grow more confident, gradually step back and let them take the lead through security and the concourse to find the gate on their own.
• Pack their own travel bag. I start by giving my kids a detailed packing checklist (e.g., how many shirts, shorts, pajamas, a toothbrush, etc.). Once the expectations are clear, I let them pack on their own. After the first few tries, I do a quick quality check to make sure their bag isn’t filled only with toys. As they build independence and pack more responsibly, I step back and let them take full ownership of packing their clothes.

Why Helicopter Parenting Backfires

Helicopter parenting, like constantly hovering over your child, closely monitoring, and intervening in every situation, can lead to a decrease in your child’s confidence, problem-solving skills, and the ability to handle challenges on their own.

Below are a few signs you might be hovering more than helping:

• You step in immediately at the first sign of struggle or frustration, without giving your child a chance to try to problem solve on their own.
• You closely monitor every task or decision your child makes, often checking or correcting their work before your child has an opportunity to self-correct.
• You make choices or solve problems for your child instead of guiding them to find their own solutions.
• Your child frequently asks for your approval or reassurance before acting, even with small decisions.
• You avoid letting your child experience natural consequences because you want to protect them from discomfort or failure

A few others things to consider and avoid when it comes to building independence with your preteen:

Rescuing too quickly: We see this too often, parents are so quick to jump in and solve problems because they don’t want their kids to experience discomfort or failure. However, jumping in to solve every problem is counterproductive. Instead, allow your kids to struggle and work through the problem independently.

Giving too much freedom too soon: Yes, all I’m talking about is increasing independence but giving too much responsibility too soon without structure or expectations may set your child up for failure or making unsafe choices. Instead, we are going to slowly build independence and ensure clear boundaries and expectations are set so they can be successful and safe. 

Micromanaging or controlling the outcome: As parents, our job is to teach, correct, and support. However, if we are constantly correcting, checking-in, or doing things ‘your way,’ it can undermine autonomy and create anxiety or defiance. Kids are far more likely to take ownership and develop intrinsic motivation when they feel trusted and are allowed to do things their own way. It may not be perfect but it will be perfectly completed and that is what matters most.

Understanding the Balance

I get it, giving your child more freedom and independence can feel terrifying, especially when the world sometimes feels scary. As a parent of two myself, my natural instinct is to keep them close under my wing to protect their safety. But it’s really important to let our kids spread their wings, learn, and grow into their own independence. 

At the same time, it’s perfectly okay to use technology to help keep them safe. I often joke that my kids are having a “1990s latchkey summer with 2025 technology”.

Here are some tools I’ve found helpful for balancing independence and safety:

• GPS Tracking Watches: Devices like Gabb Watch, Gismo Watch, or Apple Watch offer basic communication and tracking features, so I always know where my kids are, even when they are away from home.
• Bluetooth Trackers: Apple AirTags have been a lifesaver for helping my kids stay independent while keeping tabs on their belongings and whereabouts. Tile is another good option.
• Tracking Apps: My favorite app is Life360 for its usability and thoughtful features. Other options include Bark, Qustodio, and Norton Family.

Building independence in preteens is a gradual and rewarding process that helps them develop essential life skills, confidence, and self-reliance. By providing clear expectations, breaking tasks into manageable steps, and offering opportunities to practice real-world situations, from advocating for themselves at the doctor to navigating an airport or managing bedtime, parents can support their child’s growth in a safe and empowering way. 

It’s equally important to step back thoughtfully, avoid hovering, and allow kids to learn from their experiences while offering guidance and occasional check-ins. With patience and encouragement, preteens can gain the independence they need to thrive both now and into adolescence and adulthood.

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