Is Your Child Overreacting? Here’s How to Respond
Dealing with a “big reactor”? Here are a few insights, mindset shifts, and parenting strategies that can help you deal with a child who overreacts.
Do you feel that your child has epic meltdowns, big reactions, or outsized emotions? If so, you’re not alone - and you’re not a failure. You can’t prevent each and every one of these reactions, and the fact that these reactions occur doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Parenting can be frustrating, and it’s difficult.
Even the best tantrum advice - even advice you may have read here - isn’t always helpful when dealing with supersized reactions. This article is designed to provide more depth of insight and clarity in these cases.
Today, you’ll learn a few tips and strategies for dealing with a child who overreacts.
1. Manage your expectations when dealing with a child who's overreacting
It’s essential that you reset and reframe your expectations when dealing with a big reactor. You have expectations for how your child should behave. And then, there’s the reality of your child’s ability to manage their emotions. When these two things don’t line up, it can generate a lot of frustration.
As a parent or caregiver, you may need to accept that:
Your child may need to have a meltdown; they’re not a “bad child.”
It’s not your fault that the meltdown happened; you’re not a “bad parent.”
You can’t prevent or stop all meltdowns.
Once you accept these things, some of your anger, frustration, and shame will likely dissipate. From that position, you’ll be better equipped to approach your child with empathy, and be the stabilizing force your child needs in the middle of the emotional storm.
2. Pay attention and adjust your response, as necessary
Child mental health experts often recommend tools like deep breathing, bear hugs, and validating emotions during a meltdown. However, these tools can sometimes have the unintended effect of escalating your child’s distress, rather than reduce it.
As a parent or caregiver, pay attention to the impact of these tactics to determine if they’re right for your family. If these tools tend to make a challenging situation worse, then it may be time to modify your meltdown strategy to accommodate your child.
More specifically, repeating empathetic phrases during a major meltdown can increase dysregulation. We’ll dive into that next. But before we do, know that support exists for your family. Little Otter is available in select states for child and family therapy; if we’re not yet available in your area, your pediatrician is a great place to start.
3. Don't repeat validating phrases over and over.
We often recommend that you help your child with the right words when they’re having a tantrum; you might say something like, “You don’t want to stop playing and it doesn’t feel good at all. I understand!” This is an important step in validating your child’s feelings, and showing that you understand and accept the full range of their emotions.
However, this can spiral out of control when well-meaning parents and caregivers begin repeating this phrase or a similar sentiment over and over. Repeating an empathetic statement doesn’t make you more empathetic. What’s more, it can unintentionally agitate your child.
This is particularly true when you’re naming specific emotions that you imagine your little one is feeling, like repeating “I understand you’re really angry.” They may respond with “I’M NOT ANGRY!”
During an overreaction, less is more.
We recommend that you validate your child’s feelings once, and then be simply a quiet, calm presence while you weather the emotional storm.
4. Don't as a big reactor "how was your day?"
Yes, this natural question is also a common spark for a big reaction. Here’s why: school is a positive stressor for most children. It’s full of challenges that lead to growth, as kids learn to follow direction, manage emotions, interact with others, wait their turn, share, and so much more. And all of this learning is exhausting!
When your child is at their limit at the end of the day, questions can send them over the edge. These questions from someone they love, someone that they want to make happy, can be perceived as yet another demand or stressor. That’s why these questions can provide a reactive, irrational response. These responses may not be an accurate reflection of their actual school day.
If your child says things like, “school was boring,” “nothing,” or has a meltdown when you ask how the school day was? Do they resist questions like, “what’s one silly thing that happened today?” That’s a sign that they’re at their threshold for stimulation.
The most loving thing you can do in these moments is to give your child some space.
It’s difficult, because it’s likely not what you want at that moment. Chances are, you want to know every single thing that happened to them, that they learned, that they experienced during the important school day. But your little one simply isn’t able to share with you; there’s nothing left in their tank.
Offering a warm greeting and some space is a loving, effective response that shows your child you understand their needs. It also makes it more likely that they’ll fill that space when they’re ready. In fact, many parents report that after trying this tactic for a while, their child begins spontaneously sharing tidbits about their day - when they’re ready.
5. Try ignoring the behavior, without ignoring your child.
Sometimes, big reactors will push buttons - and that’s okay. Kids are strategic, not manipulative. And you can be strategic, too, in what you choose to respond to.
Say that you’re spending quality time with your little one; when it comes to an end, your child protests. This is exactly the situation I observed on a home visit to support parents who were seeking ways to set loving limits. It’s dinnertime, and the father, Harrison, is inviting his son, Lucas, to participate in getting ready for supper.
In this instance, Lucas looked at his dad while pushing a harmless object off the edge of the table. I signaled to Harrison not to respond. Instead of a reprimand, I suggested that Harrison ignore this harmless yet provocative behavior, while not ignoring Lucas. Harrison continued to invite Lucas to help set the table, and progressed with the routine without acknowledging Lucas’ resistance. After Lucas realized that Harrison wasn’t going to get angry or frustrated, or cajole him to join, Lucas joined in.
If your little one’s behaviors aren’t harmful and are clearly designed to spark a reaction, the best thing you can do is ignore the behavior without ignoring your child. That can help you avoid reinforcing provocative behavior.
We hope these tips help you respond more productively when your child is overreacting.
Know that Little Otter is here to help and support you and your family.
Meet Claire Lerner, MSW
CLAIRE LERNER, MSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. She served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for more than twenty years. Claire has also been a practicing clinician for 35 years, partnering with parents to decode their children’s behavior and solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. Claire also provides training to local preschools and pediatric residents.
Claire is the author of hundreds of parenting resources, including books, blogs, podcasts, and videos. She writes a column for PBS Kids, and her work has been published by several parenting publications. She has also served as a content expert for numerous national daily newspapers.
Claire is the mother of two very spirited children of her own, Sam (30) and Jess (28), and mom to two stepchildren, Justin (30) and Sammy (27). She lives in Washington, DC with her husband and two, also spirited, pups.
