Is It Okay for Parents to Take a Vacation Without Their Child?
This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with issues related to abandonment and worries. Please take care when reading.
One parent recently wrote in asking if their child would feel abandoned by the parents taking an adults-only vacation. Here’s a response from Little Otter’s team of experts.
“I’m wondering if it’s okay to take a vacation without my child? My husband and I have a trip planned in a few weeks. We’ll be leaving my 23 month old daughter with her grandparents, who she gets along with very well, for 6 days.
I’m worried she might hate us when we get back, or feel abandoned or detached. Can a 2 year old get detached from her parents over 6 days if spent with family? We are very close now and we will be talked to her and Facetiming her while away.’”
- E., California
Thank you for contacting Little Otter.
A famous doctor, D. W. Winnicott, once said, “There is no such thing as an infant, meaning, of course, that wherever one finds an infant one finds maternal care, and without maternal care there would be no infant.” Your child is as connected to you as you are to your child.
There is a very special and powerful bond between parent and child that specialists call a dyad.
I am mentioning this because it seems that the prospect of a six-day separation is really anxiety-provoking to the dyad part of you: the separation may feel unnatural and violent.
Circling back to your question, your daughter will be fine. A six-day separation will not disconnect her from you.
Six days with loving grandparents who know her well will likely be a very enriching experience. Seeing you on FaceTime will be fun, as long as you do not appear distressed by the separation on the calls.
I have a question for you that might guide your next steps:
Have you separated from your child at all? If you have not, then I would recommend some shorter periods of separation before the six days. Like maybe a night at a hotel with your husband if her grandparents can watch her.
I also recommend that you see the bigger picture (and I know from experience how hard that can be at this early stage of parenthood):
Your child will grow and become a full individual, and your own individuality will take a back seat during the years of parenting ahead of you.
This time without your daughter can be an opportunity to take stock of the enormity of your bond with her.
Of course, you will miss her, but you will also honor your existence as a person separate from this dyad—at least for a few hours, days, and as she gets older, perhaps weeks. This can be a gift. Rest, enjoy yourself, connect with others, and have adult conversations.
Be in the moment and trust that your child is beginning the long apprenticeship of one day existing without you, which is critical to her healthy development.
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